On My Way
by waiting4morning
Summary: Some things make us stronger, others threaten to pull us apart. Kaidan must confront the woman he's been haunted by for two years, but first he has to find her. fShep/Kaidan. Some spoilers for Lair of the Shadow Broker. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Not ME3 compliant._**  
**

**On My Way**

Andie Shepard stared at her gauntleted hand flat on the floor beside her. Around her, words and sounds were muffled to her ears: that last explosion had rocked the _Normandy_ pretty good. That explained why she was on the floor of the CIC right now. It was important that she get up for some reason, but she was too tired to follow that thought any deeper into the rabbit hole.

Shepard felt her arm being grabbed by a sharp, familiar hand—

"_Up you go, Commander," said Kaidan, gripping her hand and pulling her to her feet. Around them lay wreckage of the Luna Training Facility's drones. _

_Shepard tapped the side of her helmet with a grimace. "That one packed a hell of a punch—"_

Kaidan. Her eyes flashed open.

"On your feet, Shepard!" Garrus' blue and silver helmet gleamed in the emergency lighting as he hefted her from the floor.

Shepard shook her head in an effort to clear the fog from her mind. Various emergency lights flashed in the corner of her helmet's HUD, but she ignored them for the moment, concentrating on the last small dose of medi-gel. The suit's automatic dispenser pricked her skin, sending medi-gel through her system, bringing awareness and clarity of what had just happened.

"...hull breach in the engineering deck..." said EDI's calm voice somewhere in the distance. Shepard was glad she'd ordered everyone into exo-suits before the final push. Hopefully Ken and Gabby would have been smart enough to anchor themselves before—

"Shepard!"

"I'm fine!" Shepard yelled over the ringing in her ears as Garrus shouted her name again. "Status report!"

"It worked, Shepard! They're self-destructing! EDI, bring it up!"

The wavering galaxy map blinked off, replaced by a tactical map of the battle. Blue lights—_too few left_, was her sudden, gut-clenching thought—represented allies, allies that had been unlooked for but entirely welcome: geth, rachni, krogan, quarian. A moment would come later where she would wish for the rachni's ability to sing her thanks across the vast reaches of space, but for now she leaned on the bent rails to either side of the map. The enemy, in typical red, had once made the tactical map unbearable to look at, for there seemed to be no end to the monstrous sentient ships called the Reapers. But Shepard's gambit had paid off. Even as she watched, red ship after red ship blinked off—

_Red strobe lights played over the lithe asari dancers, turning blue skin purple. Shepard spotted the target—Harkin—across the room—_

"_Hey, L-T, put your tongue back inside your head before you trip on it," Chief Williams' voice held a mixture of teasing and disgust. Not that Shepard could blame her. Didn't people ever get tired of asari dancers? Apparently not. This place—Chora's Den—was as crowded as a bar on the first night of shore leave. _

_Kaidan made some smart remark in reply, carefully not looking at—_

"Shepard?" Garrus' voice sounded worried.

"You have the deck, Garrus," she said in a voice that wasn't steady.

"What—where are you going?" the turian stepped forward as she staggered from the map.

"To find a head before I puke inside my helmet."

"But your head's on your shoulders," Garrus said, sounding confused.

Shepard didn't bother to stop and explain the term. She made her way to the elevator, which was still working, amazingly enough. As the door opened to her room, she scrabbled at the release on her helmet and threw it aside as she emptied the scant contents of her stomach into the toilet. When her stomach had stopped convulsing, she took off her armor, the process taking longer than it should because of her trembling fingers. She caught a glimpse of the shower head as she sat on the floor. How long had it been since she had a shower? She couldn't remember. Stripped down to the thin body suit that she wore beneath her armor, she crawled to the grate under the showerhead.

"Shower on," she rasped, leaning against the wall. Steaming hot water rained down on her face—

_Rain pattered against her helmet's visor on Illos. Shepard peered over the edge of one of the eerily familiar Prothean statues. Liara and Garrus were firing at the geth armature from their cover. It should have been Ashley and Kaidan beside her. But Ashley was atomic dust on the ruined surface of Virmire. And Kaidan... Shepard gritted her teeth. She wanted him beside her, but that blatant disrespect for her rank in front of the crew after just one night... it may have been a mistake to let whatever it was between them go so far. _

_She'd been too focused on the armature. A geth trooper moved up to flank her, but before she could bring her shotgun to bear, the robot froze as Garrus emptied a clip of ice-modded rounds into its chest. Shepard felt the cold from the rounds as they encased the geth in a thin sheet of ice—_

Shepard gasped awake as cold water soaked her skin, raising goose bumps. How long had she been out?

"Shower off," she said, struggling to her feet. She had to get back into her armor.

The world spun alarmingly under her feet as she grabbed hold of the sink to catch her balance. She hadn't wobbled this much since drinking ryncol on a dare at the Citadel. Hysterical laughter bubbled up in her chest. No, she couldn't lose it now. The crew needed her. Her people were waiting on her, they trusted her, they were with her to the end—

"_You sure you want to throw in with the Sole Survivor?" she had meant for her voice to sound amused, but it came out plaintive and sad. A voice from a child forced to grow up too quickly. She swallowed. "Everyone dies around me, Kaidan. My family, my squad, Jenkins, Ash—"_

_His answer had been his arms wrapping around her, not offering protection—because he knew he couldn't—but the warmth of his companionship, his presence at her side through the good and the bad times. Perhaps it was reading too much into a simple hug, but Shepard felt her fingers clinging to him as if to a lifeline—_

Shepard blinked, the bathroom coming back into focus. Her fingers were still holding onto the sink. Focus. She had to... Her feet stumbled out of the bathroom, toward her closet by the bed. Water dripped puddles at her feet. She needed dry clothes. Dizziness made her sit on the edge of the bed for a moment. If only her head would stop spinning. That little bit of medi-gel left in her armor obviously wasn't enough.

"_Feeling better?" Her mother sat on the edge of her bed, smoothing sweat-dampened strands of hair away from her forehead. Andie felt too rotten to exult in the day off school, but having her mother's attention away from her labs and her other siblings was… nice._

"Easy now."

Shepard opened her eyes. "Mom?"

The haze in front of her eyes cleared and she looked into the face of Dr. Chakwas, who smiled. "Must have hit your head harder than you thought. You have a mild concussion, Shepard."

Shepard sat up in bed, wincing. "I have to get down to the CIC—"

"Not at the moment you don't," Chakwas said, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Garrus is coordinating things admirably. All hull breaches have been patched, we have atmosphere again, and the wounded are resting comfortably in the med bay. Miranda is watching over them."

Shepard opened her mouth to ask about Mordin and then remembered. Dr. Solus had died earlier because Shepard hadn't been fast enough or smart enough. She closed her eyes. Self-recrimination had to come later; there was still work to be done. She shoved the guilt and blame back into an increasingly crowded part of her mind where she'd learned to compartmentalize such things.

"I need to get down there, Helen," Shepard said again and the older woman nodded, hearing the edge of command creep back into her voice.

"I dosed you up with painkiller and medi-gel while you were out, so you should be fine for now, but you must rest if you want to recover. Brain injury is nothing to sneeze at."

"I'll be careful."

She retrieved her armor from the bathroom, though left the helmet secured to its clip at her waist, and exited the room with the doctor.

Garrus nodded at her as she entered the CIC. "EDI has Alliance Command, the Admirals of the Turian Fleet, Admiral Tali'Zorah, and the Citadel Council on standby."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Didn't Wrex want to join the party?"

Garrus' mandibles flared in amusement. "He did, but only to say, 'we're even now, Shepard.' I told him I'd pass along the message."

Shepard shook her head and smiled. "Okay. EDI, prioritize the incoming calls—"

"Already done, Commander," Garrus interrupted. "The few ships that are completely intact are already sweeping the debris field to pick up any survivors or escape pods. The Alliance dreadnought SSV_ McKinley_ has volunteered to take on the injured and transport them all to whatever hub world with facilities to receive this many incoming wounded. The turian frigate the _Indomitable_ will assist and escort."

Shepard nodded, impressed. "Good work. And the rest?"

"Alliance Command and the Council did not wish to speak to me—only to you." He snorted. "The turians will wait, politely, but I wouldn't put them off too long. Tali, of course, said she could wait." Garrus paused. "We could 'lose' the connection, Commander. The _Normandy_ is damaged—no one would suspect…"

"Thanks, old friend. But I'd better do this while I'm still conscious." Shepard turned. "I'll take the calls in the briefing room, EDI."

"Understood," the AI replied.

"Commander?"

Shepard turned. Garrus' mandibles flexed nervously. "I just wanted you to know… it's been an honor."

She appreciated it, she really did, but at the moment, all she wanted to do was go back to bed. _Bite it down, Shepard. You still have to play this game a little while longer._ She managed a heartfelt "thank you" and continued to through the armory to get to the briefing room.

As she waited for EDI to bring up the first call, she couldn't help but wonder,_ What will you do when you do have nothing left begging for your attention?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Edit: saw some typos that bugged me. Fixed now!_

* * *

**Chapter 2**

Commander Kaidan Alenko watched the distant silvery speck that was the _Normandy_ on the vid screen on the command deck of the SSV _Gettysburg_. Was she okay? He wanted to demand answers from the captain, but technically Kaidan wasn't even a crewmember of the _Gettysburg_. It had been a hastily assigned berth as the final battle drew near, and he didn't have the pull with his captain to earn a right like that.

Still, the captain had been in the communications room for so long… was that a good sign or a bad sign? Kaidan couldn't decide. But he had to know… Did Shepard die with the last words between them being what had been said on Horizon? His gut churned with guilt and trepidation. After Horizon, he'd spent weeks convincing himself that she wasn't who she said she was. At best she was a clone; at worst a traitor. The clone scenario had been relatively easy to eliminate after talking with Anderson who'd had microscopic skin samples taken while she'd been in his office.

_"Put a picture of you right on my desk, Alenko," his former captain grinned. "She couldn't resist picking it up. Left plenty of samples…"_

Kaidan grimaced at the memory for it confirmed what he only wished he had hidden from his mentor: the true depths of his feelings for Shepard.

But even his embarrassment faded as he remembered the ensuing conversation. Kaidan had pointed out that the "real" Shepard would never have worked with Cerberus and if it was really her than she had betrayed their trust. Anderson disagreed.

_"Trust is a funny thing, Alenko." Anderson said, leaning out over his office balcony. "It's nearly interchangeable with the word 'faith' yet no one ever says things like 'a leap of trust.' We have faith in people not because we know they're faultless, but because we know, through the worst of times, that our trust in them wasn't misplaced. We have to trust that this person is who they say they are. If we're waiting for this person to stab us in the back, it's not really trust."_

It was only then that Kaidan realized part of his anger lay not in the perceived betrayal of the trust he had in Shepard, but that he _still_ trusted her and she apparently hadn't trusted him. Why else would she go around the galaxy recruiting old teammates like Garrus and Tali and not him?

He wanted to tell her that so badly. He didn't know if what they had was still salvageable, but he knew what he had felt—_still_ felt if truth be told, and he wasn't willing to let it go without a fight. The question was would she feel the same?

Captain Jin emerged from the comm room, his face pensive. Kaidan saluted.

"Sir, are you finished?"

Jin narrowed his eyes. "I am, Commander. What is it to you?"

Kaidan refused to be cowed, meeting his superior's eyes with firm resolution. "I served with Commander Shepard before, sir. I would like to send a message—see if she's… okay."

Jin nodded. "She is alive, I can tell you that much, Commander. But—"

"Sir," Kaidan risked interrupting him. "Please. If this was your wife—" He wanted to pull the impulsive words back, but they hung in the air.

Jin looked at him for a long moment, then nodded slowly. "If she was mine, I'd want to talk to her too," he finished. "Be quick about it, Commander. There may be other calls that come in."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir!"

* * *

Kaidan clasped his hands behind his back as the ship's VI made the connection. This was voice only—leaving the vid connection open for more important calls. He still didn't know what he was going to say—he just knew he had to hear her voice.

"Commander Shepard's saving the galaxy hotline, how can I direct your call?"

Kaidan paused. "Joker?"

Silence for a moment and then: "Well," drawled a familiar voice, "if it isn't my favorite fist-in-the-ass lieutenant. Or commander or whatever you are now."

"Listen, Joker," Kaidan said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know there're probably some things I should say, but I only have a few minutes. Could you get Shepard, please?"

"And why should I do that? I saw her after your little chat on Horizon. I'm really not eager to have that look back on Shepard's face again. Kind of a mood killer."

Kaidan grit his teeth. He didn't have time for this. "You owe me, Joker. I saved your ass at the hearing and you damn well know it. It was your own fault that you wouldn't stay grounded for the duration of mandatory psych eval. You would have been in your pilot's chair within a matter of weeks and you left anyway. You say that the Alliance abandoned us, Joker, and maybe that was true, but the truth is you left _us_ first."

Silence dropped onto the line. Kaidan bit back a groan. Had he just torn a new hole into another bleeding relationship? Joker was one of the few contacts he had left from the old _Normandy_—

"Kaidan? This is Garrus."

Kaidan blinked at the change. "Uh, yeah. I'm here, Garrus."

"I spoke to Shepard and she… doesn't want to talk to you."

A hard knot of worry formed in his gut. "Is she wounded?"

"Nothing serious," Garrus' voice confirmed. "She just doesn't want to talk to you." His voice paused. "She also requests that you not try to contact her again. Sorry, but I have to go. Good luck out there."

The line went dead.

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Shepard?"

Andie glanced at Hackett before returning her eyes to a spot above his head. "Yes, sir."

She heard the older man tapping his stylus against the datapad she'd handed him. The words she'd written echoed in her mind:

_From: Lt. Cmdr Andrea Laine Shepard, SAM, SN: 423-68-3889/1138  
To: Admiral Steven Hackett, Arcturus Station_

_Subj: SUBMISSION OF RESIGNATION_

_I hereby submit my request for a release from active duty in the naval service of the Systems Alliance and request that it be accepted. I desire to be released from active duty effective immediately._

The tapping stopped. "You know I can't allow this."

Andie drew in a breath and stared Hackett in his steely gray eyes. "That's BS and you know it. Sir." She swallowed. "I have never sought accolades or reward, but I have _more_ than earned this."

"No one's disputing that, Commander. But you must understand what you've become to the galaxy—"

"Technically I'm not even in the Alliance any more. I was declared MIA and no one bothered to reinstate me when I came back. I delivered this to you out of respect, but I am leaving whether you allow me to or not." She paused. "Sir."

"Why now, Shepard?"

She swallowed, avoiding his gaze. "You'll find the reasons enclosed, sir."

"I'm not interested in those." He tapped the datapad. "When we were vetting you for Spectre candidacy, we went over every single thing in your history. I saw something that intrigued me when you signed up. The recruiter noted: 'Shepard is extremely eager to join the marines. She said and I quote, "The marines are my family now. I won't ever abandon my family."' Does that sound familiar, Shepard?"

"The voice of a little girl, sir, desperate for stability in a chaotic world," Andie said, biting her lip.

"Are you sure you won't reconsider? You've more than earned a promotion or two…"

"I've thought about this, sir."

Hackett searched her face, and nodded, standing from his desk. "These things take awhile to process. However," he raised a hand, forestalling the protest he saw on her face, "if you like, you can consider yourself on extended shore leave until it goes through."

Andie relaxed. "Thank you, sir. I appreciate it."

"I also want you to reconsider, Shepard." Hackett's eyes bored into hers. "And I'm saying this because you're a damn good officer—not because it's politically advantageous." He paused. "Your aunt Esther… she was a good friend. I promised her I'd keep an eye on you."

Andie stared at the older man, too surprised to speak. Her Aunt Esther was her father's sister; a hard woman, difficult to understand and get close to. Andie had stayed with her for awhile after the Mindoir raid while the authorities tried to figure out what to do with her. Esther cared about her, but she wasn't a mother—she was a soldier. She hadn't known how to deal with a psychologically damaged teenager. Esther had tried to keep in touch over the intervening years but Andie had only seen her once—at the ceremony for Andie's promotion to Lieutenant Commander—before her death in a ship-to-ship fight with pirates.

"I… can't promise anything, sir," she said slowly, "but I will think about it."

Hackett nodded, looking relieved. "Good enough."

Andie turned to leave.

"If you don't mind my asking," Hackett said as she reached the door, "where are you going?"

She smiled a tired, sad smile. "Home."

* * *

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The line for the transport shuttles was long but moved at a steady pace. For the most part, Garrus could see over the crowd of shorter aliens—humans and asari mostly—though there were a scattering of tall turians and salarians as well.

"Transport to Mindoir is on schedule," he commented, peering at the screen above their heads.

Shepard adjusted her carry-on bag on her shoulder. Garrus still had to get used to seeing the Commander—rather, civilian Andie Shepard—out of uniform. He knew what she looked like beneath armor, of course; she didn't run around the Normandy in full battle gear after all, but there was still a subtle difference between the fatigues she wore on ship to the casual pants and jacket she wore now. She looked… well, how could he say "normal" when he'd spent his life among military types? Still, she looked different, and it wasn't just the lack of a shotgun.

"You're not coming with me, Garrus," she said in a calm voice, activating her omni-tool.

"What?"

"You're going to Palaven to spend some time with your sister and your mother while there's still time left. I've just wired the ticket to your omni-tool."

Garrus' mandibles folded tight against his jaw. "How… how did you know about that?"

Shepard looked embarrassed for a moment. "Liara forwarded me some information awhile back. I don't think she even read it all. I bet she just had that stupid VI scan the logs for anything relating to my squad and forward it to me."She paused. "It was an invasion of your privacy to read those documents, Garrus, and I apologize."

Garrus relaxed his mandibles. "I wasn't actively hiding it from you, Shepard. I just didn't want you to be distracted by mundane family matters on such an important mission."

"Garrus," she said, her large human eyes boring into him, "mundane family matters are exactly why we fought." The eyes became sad. "Don't lose this opportunity."

Garrus nodded, the name of their destination flashing through is mind. Mindoir. Shepard's whole family had been killed without warning. She'd probably never had a chance to say goodbye…

His mandibles twitched. "Are you sure you won't need me?"

Shepard smiled. "I'll always need a friend, Garrus. Keep in touch."

"I will, Shepard, and thanks." He clasped her hand, human-style, and edged out of the line to find his transport. He looked back once, but she was facing the front again and he almost had trouble picking her out. One lone human was nearly unrecognizable among so many.

* * *

For once Joker wasn't paying attention to his baby. Not that he needed to anyway. With EDI pretty much running the show, he'd all but become obsolete.

"You okay, Joker?"

The pilot jerked back to reality as Jacob sauntered up to the cockpit.

Joker snorted in reply. "Are you kidding me? The Reapers are gone, the Illusive Man is dead, and Shepard left us all a hefty bonus and a full bar in the Port Observation room. What's not to like? Everything's great. Just. Great."

The former Alliance man looked up through the open shutters at the passing stars. "Yeah, I miss her too."

* * *

_A/N: I'm sorry this is so short, but this was the best place to end this chapter. I kept trying to add something later to make it longer, but it didn't feel like it fit, so yeah here it is. Thanks for the reviews!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Mindoir was flat. Or at least that was Kaidan's first impression as the transport landed in the small spaceport in the capital of Toscani.

"Welcome to Mindoir!" said an info vid above his head in a pleasant female voice. "You have just arrived at one of the galaxy's greatest secrets!" The blonde announcer winked. "Founded in early 2154, Mindoir started as a small farming colony, but quickly became much more. Come visit us for that perfect getaway. In Toscani, where you will shortly land, you'll find all the comforts of home and maybe a little bit more! Mindoir: where you can still see the stars at night."

Shepard's face suddenly appeared on the vid, startling him. He'd forgotten that Mindoir had received permission to use her likeness on their colonial seal. It was from an older photo—before Akuze. The scar across her eyebrow was missing and the fresh-faced determination hadn't yet been replaced by the burden of losing men under her command.

A slight bump and a VI's cool voice alerted him that the transport was docked.

Kaidan shouldered his bag and exited the transport. Customs didn't blink twice at his Alliance pass and funneled him quickly through. Part of him thought he was crazy for tracking Shepard down when she clearly didn't want to be followed. The other part, the one he'd shoved aside after her death, was ready to go crazy because she wasn't in his arms at that moment.

Local time was around thirteen-hundred hours. Hopefully that meant Shepard would be around somewhere and therefore easier to find. He left the spaceport as quickly as possible, only stopping to grab a bite to eat at one of the overpriced food kiosks.

As he ate a rather bland Mannovian dish with some sort of pasta and nubs of unidentifiable meat, he glanced around the small spaceport. Kaidan didn't consider himself stuck-up when it came to colonies—small or otherwise—though some people might have expected it since technically his home address was on the Citadel. If truth were told, however, he preferred a smaller setting. It reminded him of home. Toscani felt a bit like the suburbs of Vancouver: small but beginning to throw some weight around.

Ground transport to other parts of the colony weren't hard to find after he finished his meal. Kaidan bought a ticket via a linkup with his omni-tool and was soon hurtling over the flat plains of Mindoir toward New Independence: the town where Shepard had grown up.

* * *

She wasn't at the Memorial. Kaidan wasn't surprised—it was too public of a spot. He glanced around, away from the monument and the flowers strewn over the ground. Aside from the memorial, there was nothing to distinguish this small, colonial town from any of the others scattered over the surface of Mindoir. But it was where Shepard had spent some of her happiest years—before the raid.

_Where are you?_ He wondered. In his gut he knew she would be here but where?

A few other visitors were also at the Memorial. He'd largely ignored them until one caught his notice: an older woman, perhaps in her sixties, wearing coveralls with the colonial seal. A caretaker perhaps?

"Excuse me, ma'am" Kaidan said, edging over to address the woman in the uniform. "Is there a town cemetery?"

The woman took in Kaidan's unremarkable civilian clothes and pointed west. "Down the main thoroughfare about three blocks you'll see the church—big building, can't miss it. The cemetery is just beyond that."

"Thanks." Kaidan nodded. He followed the directions and soon found himself in the churchyard surrounded by ghostly images. Holographic memorials were popular these days—they were relatively cheap and they provided much more of a tangible memory of the person than a cold stone slab ever would.

Hands in his pockets, he walked along the peaceful rows, searching the names. It wasn't until he'd reached the end of the second row that he saw a part of the cemetery had been sectioned off with decorative flowering shrubs. He walked over and saw a little plaque that made his heart lurch:

_In memory of those who died during the raid of Mindoir, 2170. _

"_The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."*_

Feeling vaguely intrusive, Kaidan searched the various memorials until finally... A holo of a man with a baby in his arms and a woman at his side—_That's what Shepard will look like in twenty years,_ was Kaidan's startled thought. In front of them stood a teenage boy looking bored, a little girl maybe four years old, and... there she was. This picture was probably taken only a few months before the raid. Teenage Andie Shepard was leggy and thin with the loose-boned look of adolescents not quite used to long limbs. Blemishes were scattered across her cheeks, and a rebellious lift to her chin added a touch of defiance that hadn't changed with the years. But she looked happier than he had ever seen her. The darkness behind her eyes when she thought no one was looking was absent here.

Names were listed beneath the picture:

_Matthew Shepard (2122–2170) Joanna Shepard (2121–2170), Erik Shepard (2150–2170), Andrea Shepard (2154– ), Gabriella Shepard (2165–2170), Isaac Shepard (2169–2170)_

"_Where your treasure is there your heart will be also."**_

Kaidan felt his throat tighten and swallowed hard as the holographic Shepards smiled at him. The real Shepard was nowhere to be found, however, though he did see flowers laid carefully over the five graves.

She had been here. If he breathed deep, he imagined he could smell the scent of her hair. But the only real smell on the air was that from the flowers. A dead end. She'd been here and gone.

Kaidan walked back into town, not yet despairing but discouraged. Perhaps one of the locals would have recognized her when she came into town? As he walked past the Memorial, he overheard a man grumbling to a woman beside him.

"…all I wanted was a picture of her. You'd think I'd pointed a gun or something."

"Shepard's a local hero, Mick. I guess we shouldn't have been surprised that they'd protect her."

"What's one picture going to harm anyone? They wouldn't even tell me where she was. Hmph!"

Kaidan paused. So the locals were protecting Shepard? That made it unlikely that'd he'd get anywhere better than the tourists. He sat down on a bench near the Memorial, rubbing his face tiredly. Perhaps he should get a room somewhere and start fresh in the morning. Did New Independence have a hotel?

"I thought you looked familiar," a voice said behind him "I saw you on the vids. You were on her squad, weren't you?"

Kaidan looked up, surprised, and saw the caretaker woman he'd asked directions from earlier. He nodded slowly. "I was. We… lost touch over the past couple of years. Do you know where I could find her?"

The lady's eyes softened as she nodded. "That I do."

* * *

* 1 Corinthians 15:26

** Matthew 6:21


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Andie pulled herself out of the tractor's open engine, rubbing her hands on a greasy cloth. "Your coolant is leaking, Ben. You'll have to send for a part from Toscani..."

She trailed off when she saw him standing there. Kaidan shoved his hands in his pockets, willing his thudding heart not to leap out of his chest at the sight of her. Her hair was longer than when he'd seen her on Horizon, and she was dressed in hardy trousers that hugged her legs and a leather vest. He wouldn't have recognized her at a distance. She looked different from when she wore armor or even fatigues. She looked like she was... at home.

"Andie—" Before he could do more than take a step forward, she whipped her arm around in a mnemonic so fast that he had hardly registered it. Stasis froze his limbs. When had she learned that?

He saw her take off running and then in a biotic move he'd only seen in vids, charged in a blue streak out of sight.

Well. That was… unexpected.

When the stasis released him, the old farmer was shutting the engine cover and watching him with a calculating look in his eye.

"You hurt her, son?"

Kaidan glanced in the direction Shepard had run off in. "Yeah." He wondered if he had just sealed his own fate. The people here seemed to regard Shepard with feelings ranging from favored child to revered saint. To his surprise, however, the scowl on the old man's face relaxed.

"Make it good, boy."

Kaidan nodded and started off over the hill.

Lucky for him, this part of the country was relatively flat and treeless—perfect for farms but hard to hide in. Besides that, he knew her too well.

As he jogged up to the banks of the river, he saw her, sitting with her arms wrapped around her knees… and a very large dog at her side.

Kaidan stopped warily as the dog got up from his haunches and eyed Kaidan the way a varren might eye a slab of meat. Then the dog barked happily and, stubby tail wagging, bounded over to give Kaidan a sloppy wet kiss.

He extricated himself from the dog with a chuckle and sat down beside her.

"Traitor," muttered Shepard, eyeing the dog who stayed by Kaidan's side, whining to be scratched behind the ears. "You were supposed to sic him, not lick him."

"Nice dog. Yours?" he said carefully, obliging the ugly mutt by rubbing a hand over his head.

"Sort of." She shrugged. "I had a dog when I was a kid. When I got here a couple of weeks ago, I picked him up at the rescue shelter to see if we're a good match. His name's Six."

"Six?"

Shepard shook her head. "I have no idea. That's all he'll answer to though."

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, broken only by Six's panting in the warm sun.

"I've been looking for you for awhile, Andie," Kaidan said quietly. "Where did you go?"

"Amaterasu." She caught his blank look. "Ashley's mother and sisters still live there."

Kaidan felt a knot of guilt form in his stomach. He'd been there once after the _Normandy_ was destroyed, but hadn't bothered to check up on them since… "How are they?"

"They're doing well. Abby was recently married, Lynn is in the middle of getting her theology degree, and Sarah is attending medical school."

"Good for them."

Silence descended again.

"How long—are you—" Shepard stuttered over the words. Kaidan frowned inwardly. When was the last time he'd heard her stumble over words?

"When did you get here?" she finally managed, her cheeks growing splotchy with a blush.

"About three hours ago."

Her eyes widened. "Seriously?" Concern furrowed her brow. "Have you eaten?"

Kaidan smiled. So she did care… "Yeah. I ate when the transport landed. I also have some protein bars for snacks."

She looked relieved. When silence threatened to descend again, Kaidan leapt into it.

"Why wouldn't you talk to me?" he said. Shepard looked away. His frustration mounted. "Don't close me out again, Andie. You've run away to this little colony—running from I don't know what—but I'm here, and I'm not willing to let this go."

Shepard glared at him. "I didn't run away!"

"Oh yeah? And what do you call resigning your commission? Refusing to answer calls from anyone, including Anderson? What do you call disappearing without a trace? What do you call that little episode with the stasis a minute ago? Hell, Shepard, if it wasn't for Hackett telling me you were alive, I would have thought you died again! What's going on?"

For a moment, he thought he'd gotten through to her; she'd fight back like she usually did. But instead she seemed to wilt. Lines he'd never noticed before deepened around her eyes and mouth.

"I ran because… because I was scared, Kaidan."

Whatever the response he had imagined, it wasn't this.

Shepard opened her hands, looking at her palms. "Do you know what it's like to be singled out in a galaxy of billions? I felt like I was being ripped apart…" her voice dropped to a near whisper. "I didn't know who I was anymore. Cerberus tool? Alliance traitor? I didn't know. Kaidan, I had no anchor—I clung so tightly to the Collectors and the Reapers because they gave me purpose, but now they're gone and I felt like pieces of me were slowly drifting away." She shuddered. "I came here… home… to find out if there's still an Andrea Shepard the person, not Commander Shepard, savior of the galaxy."

Kaidan picked up her hand and idly began rubbing her fingers. "Did you find her?"

Andie looked at their fingers. "Maybe... She misses her shotgun."

Kaidan laughed. "You voluntarily gave up your shotgun? I never thought I'd see the day."

She smiled, a quick rueful twist to her lips. "I think I was having some sort of existential crisis when I left the _Normandy. _I kept my sidearm—I wasn't _that_ far gone—but my shotgun and my Cain: all gone." She looked genuinely despondent.

"Your… 'Cain'?"

A slow smile curved her mouth. "A nice, ladylike weapon Cerberus scientists cooked up for me."

Kaidan shook his head. "Which translates to: 'Shepard likes big boom'."

Her smile turned beatific. "I'll never forget the hole we left in the Collector ship…"

_Hole_… Kaidan's jaw dropped. "You mean that… crater in the ground on Horizon was from your weapon?"

"That's my baby." She grinned and there she was, almost like they had never been apart. Kaidan's hand seemed to move on its own as it reached up to cup the side of her face, combing his fingers through her hair.

"I'm sorry for what I said on Horizon, Andie," he said quietly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

The pain in Shepard's eyes was almost too great to bear, but she closed them, leaning into his touch, her fingers feather light on his.

"I missed you so much," she whispered hoarsely and that was all the invitation he needed. He tugged her forward into his arms and held her close, reveling in the feel of her heart beating against his chest.

Six began to wiggle his way between them, whining.

"Nosy dog," Shepard grumbled. "Go chase a pyjak or something!"

Kaidan chuckled.

"So what are you going to do here? Fix old farmers' tractors?"

"Maybe," she said a little defensively, but her next words were serious. "I'm not sure, to be honest. It was nice to come home for awhile but… it's not the same." She pulled away slightly, grabbing a stick from the ground and giving it a biotically-enhanced throw. Six woofed happily and zoomed off. "I think when I came here I wanted to come back to what it was before the raid, but those people—that place—only exists in my memories now…"

"Andie—"

"It's okay," she said with a sad smile. "It's hard, but I think I've finally dealt with something. As long as I've been away, Mindoir has been some sort of paradise of memory. It's… healthier to see it as it is. Maybe now I can let it go—move past it." She chewed her lower lip for a moment. "I've been thinking that I want to teach. Maybe at an Alliance academy or something."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. "So you're not resigning? Hackett will be pleased."

Andie rolled her eyes. "Damn the man. He knows me far too well." She frowned in thought. "I haven't decided if I want to go back to active duty, but the teaching idea appeals to me for some reason. Only thing is, Mindoir doesn't have an Alliance academy. Even if it did, I'm too famous here. There were paparazzi in Toscani when I landed—can you believe it?" She shook her head.

Kaidan felt nervousness clawing in his stomach, working its way up his throat. "There's an established colony on Perelandra—in the Elbereth system. There's a new Alliance academy on the surface—Anderson told me about it. They're building a small station in orbit for zero-gee training." He swallowed. "I know they've heard of Commander Andrea Shepard… but I doubt that they've ever heard of Andrea Alenko."

In his mind he winced; it had sounded suave and romantic in his head, but now out on the wind….

Andie went very still, and her voice was small as she said, "Kaidan… are you…?"

Kaidan positioned himself in front of her, grabbing her hands so his own wouldn't tremble. "Marry me, Andrea Laine Shepard."

Her face fell and she pulled her hands from his, standing to her feet. She turned away from him crossing her arms over her chest.

"Everyone dies around me, Kaidan," she said, her voice quiet. "My family, my squad, Jenkins, Ash, Mordin, Zaeed, Jack, half my crew—are you sure you want to throw in with the 'sole survivor' and her curse?"

Kaidan came up behind her, gently turning her so that she faced him. "For today," he kissed her forehead, "for tomorrow," he kissed her closed eyelids, "and for always." He hesitated then brushed her lips with his.

In the middle of a perfectly good kiss, she said something, muffled against his mouth.

"What?"

"I said, 'yes. I will.'"

-end-

* * *

_Thanks for reading everyone! If you would like to see the fanart of my Shepard which inspired this story, go to _**http: / / tinyurl. com/ 2ua9gjr** _(without the spaces). The art is by zweihand.  
_


	6. Bonus content!

**This first bit was just a drabble in response to a prompt at the me_challenge community at livejournal. A glimpse of what Shepard might be like if she ever gets that teaching job. XD**

* * *

"My name is Andrea Shepard." The woman at the front said, staring at each person in the room with eyes like cold steel. "I used to be a Spectre until..." The woman trailed off.

Tomas risked raising his hand. "Until what, ma'am?" He flinched when that hard gaze turned on him, but her lips curved in an approving smile.

"Until I retired to give the future of the Alliance some help." She raised an eyebrow, surveying the class. "That means you." She shook her head. "God help us all."

Tomas frowned. "We're the best, ma'am. We wouldn't be even on this station if we weren't all at the top of our classes-"

"Grades have nothing to do with it, Mendoza," Shepard said, spearing him with her glance again but this time he was prepared for it and held his ground. She looked back over the class. "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Learn those skills and you might pass this class. Learn those skills and you just might have a chance to be what I was—a Spectre."

The class sat in rapt silence. Shepard allowed a smile to curve the ends of her mouth. "Now that I have your attention, the fun can really begin. Who wants to learn how to diffuse three nuclear bombs in less than five minutes?"

* * *

**The following deleted scene is why chapter 3 was so short. The more I wrote of it, the more bored I became, so I stopped and scrapped it. I kept it just in case I would rework it later, but I never did. It was more or less to explain how Kaidan found out Shepard was on Mindoir, but I think the story is fine without all the details being explained.  
**

Thane walked in silence beside his son on the Presidium. While their relationship wasn't quite what he'd hoped it to be, he couldn't deny that they'd come far since Kolyat's intended assassination plot. It was fortunate, as his last doctor's appointment had informed him that the Kerpel's had taken over nearly all of one lung and half of the other.

"Do we need to stop?" Kolyat asked, apparently noticing Thane's shortness of breath.

"There are some benches ahead," Kolyat said, taking Thane's silence for assent. "They used to sit across from the relay monument. Only…"

"They removed it once Commander Shepard revealed its true nature," Thane finished. "Unsurprising. If Saren could get in so easily, it's no wonder they'd want to make sure no one else did. Especially with Illos being in the Terminus."

They walked along the pathway toward the benches. One of them was already occupied by a human. Kolyat took no notice but Thane stopped. He'd seen that face before—

_Commander Shepard's cabin is large; luxurious, but noticeably absent of private mementoes. He glances around while she finishes typing on her console—another goodbye note perhaps—and his gaze falls upon a single photo on the desk. A human male with a dark crop of that alien "hair" and a smile curving the edge of his mouth. His curiosity is piqued. In a room so bare of anything personal, the photo was startling. He has barely time to wonder who was important enough to merit a photo on her desk when she turns around, ready to conclude their business._

Thane pulled himself from the memory, finding Kolyat staring at him oddly. He nodded reassuringly but his gaze slid again to the human whose picture was on Shepard's desk. He looked upset; his eyes staring out at the empty pedestal where the relay monument used to sit.

"Excuse me," Thane found himself saying, "do you… know Commander Shepard?"

The human looked up, gaze suspicious. "And if I do?"

Thane inclined his head. "I'm sorry, I don't wish to intrude, but I couldn't help but be curious… you see, your picture was on her desk."

"Really." The man's voice was flat.

"Dad…" Kolyat muttered.

* * *

Aaaand, that's it.


End file.
